Coming to terms…

I always thought the phrase “come to terms with” was an irritating cliché, a platitude they would always use on the news if a serious event had happened in a village or somewhere. “The village is coming to terms with the terrible thing that’s happened.” But now that someone very close to me has just died, the meaning of this phrase is more apparent- I see the use for it!

Example 1: his experiences. He loves curry (need to adjust now and say loved) and of course i expexted to enjoy dozens of future curries with him. But no, its been cut off. I ask myself, where does that enjoyment he had suddenly go? Where does that passion and excitement he had for these flavours in his mouth suddenly go, just because his heart stopped working?

Example 2: things take on a new significance. Very casual comments and everyday situations not long before the death now seem so much more significant.

Thought 3: Journey to where? Life’s journeys, the fruit and product of your achievements, are suddenly cut short when you die.

Thought 4: All of the above lead you to wonder what us this feeling of being alive, these emotions and sensations we have. How lucky to have them when we know the tap can just be finally turned off at any time.

Thought 5: more helpless than a baby. Life’s irony is that if one major organ fails in the body, that very strong person is now more helpless than a baby. I see my toddler learning the concept of dignity, embarrassment. He understands that you now at a certain age don’t want to be seen as not being able to do things for yourself. All of your life then through adulthood you keep that dignity, and all of a sudden you lose it, the importance of mere survival supercedes it.

Thought 6: Data unretreavable. Of course its a cold and detached thought to think of a human being as a computer, but in our current society full of quick memory storage and transmission of data, it also seems ironuc that with all this information at our fingertips, the ultimate treasure trove of stories, feelings and experience is lost when a person dies.

Thought 6: Emotions (again): The joy of life, wanting to try something new, just walking into a bakery and buying a fresh loaf.

Accumulated feelings… the anger, resentment, bitterness about something or someone, where does that go? The intense feelings of sexuality and passion?

All of the above make me wonder, what are we living?